150+ Witty One Line Status On Attitude

• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

• A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes…

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong & a tax is a fine for doing well..!

• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

• Adventure isn’t hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life.

• All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

• Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

• Argument with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. At the end, you ignore everything and click I agree.

• Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

• ATTITUDE – If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

• Attitudes are contagious.  Do you want people around you to catch yours?

• Be like a postage stamp.  Stick to a thing till you get there.

• Before having a kid, the most important thing to ask yourself is am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?

• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

• Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.

• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Face book account.

• Better to understand a little, than to misunderstand a lot.

• Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker.

• Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

• Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.

• Diet Day #1 – I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

• Do more things that make you to forget to check your phone.

• Don’t confuse my personality and my attitude because my personality is me and my attitude depends on you.

• Don’t look at me.  I am looking smart.

• Don’t show me your attitude; my block list is bigger than your friend list.

• Don’t play with me! Because I know I can PLAY better than you.

• Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

• Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

• Every day I arrive at work with good intentions and a great attitude… then idiots happen.

• Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

• Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.

• Everything funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet.

• For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

• From this point on, I am going to treat people exactly how they treat me.   Some should be glad.  Others should be scared.

• Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.

• Girl you’re like a car accident, because I just can’t look away.

• God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

• How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

• I always arrive late at office but I make it by leaving early.

• I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle… He’s dreaming too.

• I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.

• I am black in complexion, not dark in color.

• I am going to stand outside.   So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• I am not arguing.  I am simply explaining why I am right.

• I am not crazy. I am just special!  No wait… May be I am crazy… one second I have to talk to myself about this, please hold on ….

• I am not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

• I am sugar and spice and everything nice but if you want to mess with me you better think twice.

• I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.

• I can give a headache to an aspirin.

• I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

• I changed my password to “incorrect”.  So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

• I don’t have an attitude problem.  I just have a personality that you can’t handle!.

• I don’t necessarily agree with every thing I say.

• I don’t need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone to lead me to where I’m headed, but only halfway. Then I’ll take it from there and choose my own path.

• I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

• I grew a beard, thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”.

• I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

• I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them!

• I have learned so much from my mistakes.  I am thinking of making a few more.

• I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me?

• I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me.

• I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

• I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

• I may look calm. But in my head I’ve killed you about 5 times.

• I need a six month vacation, twice a year.

• I should win an Oscar for acting like I’m busy at work.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• I stopped fighting my inner demons.  We are on the same side now.

• I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

• I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.

• I was born cool, Global Warming made me hot.

• I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

• I am not lazy; I’m a master of energy conservation.

• I am not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts. Here’s a band-aid.

• I have developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.

• If attitude could kill… I could be a weapon of mass destruction!!

• If people say something bad about you, judge you as if they know you, don’t easily get affected.  Remember this, “dogs bark if they don’t know the person”.

• If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

• If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

• If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

• If you don’t like my words, don’t listen. If you don’t like my appearance, don’t look. If you don’t like my actions, turn your head; It’s as simple as that.

• If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

• If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

• If you have a problem with me, call me.  If you don’t have my number, then that means you don’t’ know me well enough tio have a problem.

• If you left me without a reason, do not come back with an excuse.

• If you like me then raise your hands.  If not then raise your standard.

• If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.

• If you’re going through Hell, keep going.

• I am currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

• Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

• Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century, where deleting history has become more important than making it.

• It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

• Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

• Life is too short to be serious all the time.  So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I will laugh at you.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

• Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

• Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

• My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my BED.

• My attitude is based on how you treat me.

• My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

• My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

• My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

• My secret talent is getting tired without doing anything.

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

• Never let your friends feel lonely!  Disturb them at all times!

• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

• One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

• People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

• People said to follow your dreams so I went back to BED.

• People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason

• People say I have a dirty mind, But I say it’s just creative!

• People say I have an attitude problem, I say you have the problem and I have the attitude.

• People say nothing’s impossible, but I do nothing every day.

• She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

• Some people are just so FAKE that if you look properly at the back of their neck, you’ll find a tag saying “MADE IN CHINA”!!

• Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

• Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

• Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.

• Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.

• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

• The best thing about being me, I’m a limited edition and there are no other copies!

• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

• The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.

• The moment someone tells me I can’t do something is the moment I stop listening.

• The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem.

• The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

• Today’s forecast; severe attitude warnings possible throughout the day, scattered sarcasm showers, and a strong chance of annoyance later in the day…

• Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

• Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

• What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

• When a woman says, what? It’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said.

• When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wi-fi and wait for them all to come running.

• When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m alcoholic. But! When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic!

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

• When I’m a pedestrian I hate cars.. When I’m driving I hate pedestrians.

• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

• When nothing seems right then go left.

• Whenever I think of quitting smoking, I need a cigarette to think.

• Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

• Yes I could improve my attitude, but my insurance doesn’t cover those needs.

• Yes, you do have a right to your opinion…And I have a right to mine. And my opinion is that your opinion is ridiculously stupid!

• You can’t climb up hill by thinking downhill thoughts.

• You need an attitude adjustment… let me get my tools.

• You’re lucky if you found a person who never gets tired of understanding your nonsense attitude.

• Your attitude may hurt me, but mine can even kill you.

• You’re like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

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