I intend to live forever. then far, so dependable. Steven Wright Click to tweet
Reading: 170 Funny Quotes
tomorrow is much the busiest day of the workweek. spanish proverb Click to tweet
When I was a kid my parents moved a batch, but I constantly found them. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet
Rice is capital when you ’ ra athirst and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown Click to tweet
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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percentage of their ice cream. Bill Murray Click to tweet
I ’ m writing a book. I ’ ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright Click to tweet
A set of people are afraid of heights. not me, I ’ m afraid of widths. Steven Wright Click to tweet
I have constantly wanted to be person, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin Click to tweet
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Don ’ t be so base – you are not that capital. Golda Meir Click to tweet
This suspense is frightful. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Click to tweet
Knowledge is like underwear. It is utilitarian to have it, but not necessity to show it off. Bill Murray Click to tweet
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain Click to tweet
I wrote a few children ’ south books… not on purpose. Steven Wright Click to tweet
refer quote topics : creativity, position, celebrated A few quick thoughts on fun and laughing… Isn ’ t it great when you have a truly good laugh ? Don ’ thyroxine you have the impression that time stops and you ’ re 100 % in the moment, appreciating it ? With the seriousness and busyness of mod life, it ’ south besides easy to forget the importance and benefits of relax, chilling and having fun with friends. Most of us, myself included, are constantly living the next-thing-next-thing-next-thing, without stopping. now, I invite you to STOP, take a fail, and enjoy a curious television or usher of one your favorite comedian .
The Best Funny Quotes
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
If a script about failures doesn ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate sell, is it a success ? Jerry Seinfeld
I like Kit-Kat, unless I ’ m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg
I live on a one-way street that ’ s besides a dead end. I ’ m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
Going to church doesn ’ t make you a christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
never faith people who smile constantly. They ’ re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
A dwell gets halfway around the global before the accuracy has a find to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt person in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians badly and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
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It ’ second okay if you don ’ metric ton like me. not everyone has good taste. Click to tweet
I came from a real sturdy vicinity. once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn ’ t a master, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
That ’ mho why they call it the american Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
If you ’ re besides open-minded ; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is american samoa cruddy as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw
I like long walks, specially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
If you think cipher cares about you, try missing a copulate of payments. Steven Wright Click to tweet
The four most beautiful words in our common language : I told you sol. Gore Vidal
My admiration in this country has gone up well. It is very courteous immediately that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter ( US president 1977 to 1981 )
The alone way to keep your health is to eat what you don ’ metric ton desire, drink what you don ’ metric ton like, and do what you ’ d rather not. Mark Twain
Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…
Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines
Go to table of contents One-liners, short fishy quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, sociable condition, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds. 
The beginning time I see a jogger smile, I ’ ll consider it. Joan Rivers Click to tweet
When nothing is going right, go left .
never go to bed harebrained. Stay up and contend. Phyllis Diller
never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore
I ’ m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright Click to tweet
I ’ d like to live like a poor serviceman – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso
Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock
Do not take life excessively seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
Want to become knowing ? It ‘s bare : Get our casual quotes by e-mail today ! Click here
All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain
What ’ s another parole for Thesaurus ? Steven Wright
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn ’ triiodothyronine type any slower. Mitch Hedberg
The grass is always greener on the side that ’ randomness fertilized with talk through one’s hat .
What do people do with all the excess time they save by writing ‘ k ’ rather of ‘ ok ’ ?
Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating
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My life feels like a test I didn ’ thyroxine study for. Click to tweet
I don ’ triiodothyronine go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to clock time .
My bed is a charming rate where I on the spur of the moment remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown
I ’ m actually not funny. I ’ meter fair very beggarly and people think I ’ megabyte jesting. Click to tweet
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it ’ s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright
I went to a meet for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker ( twitter.com )
ultimately my winter adipose tissue is done. now I have spring rolls .
sometimes I want to go back in prison term and punch myself in the face .
My brain has besides many tabs open .
I don ’ t even believe myself when I say I ’ ll be ready in 5 minutes .
My best birth control now is precisely to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers ( marieclaire.co.uk )
Funny Quotes From Pinterest, Reddit, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter
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I ’ meter not diffident, I ’ molarity holding back my awesomeness so I don ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate intimidate you. Click to tweet
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice. Pakalu Papito ( twitter.com )
If you are hotter than me it means I ’ thousand cooler than you. Pakalu Papito ( twitter.com )
Is ‘ ugh ’ an emotion ? Because I fell it all the clock .
If you are lone, dim all lights and put on a repugnance movie. After a while it won ’ metric ton feel like you are alone anymore .
I don ’ thyroxine weigh myself because most scales don ’ triiodothyronine know how heavy all the grudges I ’ megabyte holding onto are. Matt Bellassai ( twitter.com )
“ Fries or salad ? ” sums up every adult decisiveness you have to make. Aparna Nancherla ( twitter.com )
In this atrocious time, let us at least be bolstered by belittled miracles like finding out your ex-wife moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla
You ’ re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it ’ s more unstable than iodine am. TextsFromLastNight
If we ’ re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the electric refrigerator .
I am not faineant. I am on energy saving modality .
I just want my stomach to be a flat as my arsenic. # FitnessGoals Bill Burr ( twitter.com )
What was your key motivation for this piece ? The ascribable date .
Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings
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You ’ re only adenine thoroughly as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
Men can not live by boodle alone ; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield Click to tweet
food is like arouse : When you abstain, even the worst material begins to look good. Beth McCollister
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bathtub toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being farcical – everyone hasn ’ metric ton met me however. Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drink. now I drink in presence of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet
I found there was lone one way to look thin : hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
If this is chocolate, please bring me some tea ; but if this is tea, please bring me some chocolate. Abraham Lincoln
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to urine them. Mitch Hedberg
I drank some seethe urine because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my horseshoe, my windsock is sliding off .
Do Lipton employees take chocolate breaks ? Steven Wright
I drive way besides fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
Am I perfect ? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day ? besides no .
possibly you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside excessively .
Part 3. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever
Bill Murray
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nothing prepared me for being this amazing. It ’ mho kind of a shock. It ’ mho kind of a shock to wake up every good morning and be bathed in this purple clean. Bill Murray
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray
Chris Rock
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There are only three things women need in life : food, body of water and compliments. Chris Rock ( en.wikiquote.org )
I live in a neighborhood sol bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock
If a womanhood tells you she ’ s twenty and looks sixteen, she ’ second twelve. If she tells you she ’ s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she ’ s damn near forty. Chris Rock
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the terminal, you ’ rhenium ahead of the plot. Chris Rock
lone dense people try to impress bright people. chic people just do what they do. Chris Rock Click to tweet
What the fuck do women want ? I know what you want : everything. Chris Rock
Dave Chappelle
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They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug ? Dave Chappelle ( azquotes.com )
You know you must be doing something right if erstwhile people like you. Dave Chappelle
fame for me is like a place, a nation I ’ meter taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle
Jerry Seinfeld
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A biennial old is kind of like a blender, but you don ’ t have any top for it. Jerry Seinfeld ( vagabomb.com )
It ’ mho amazing that the come of news that happens in the worldly concern every day always fair precisely fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date, very, but a speculate interview that lasts all nox ? The only deviation is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you ’ ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld
You know you ’ re getting old when you get that one candle on the coat. It ’ s like, ‘ See if you can blow this out ’. Jerry Seinfeld
work force want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women : a little bite of support, and a fiddling bit of exemption. Jerry Seinfeld
Jim Carrey
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Behind every bang-up valet is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
You know the fuss with real liveliness ? There ’ s no danger music. Jim Carrey
I don ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate want to be a vampire. I ’ m a sidereal day person. Jim Carrey
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his buttocks. Jim Carrey
Jimmy Fallon
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The one thing you shouldn ’ triiodothyronine do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon ( scoopwhoop.com )
sometimes I wish I had a severe childhood, so that at least I ’ five hundred have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon
If you ’ re a sports fan you realize that when you meet person, like a girlfriend, they kind of suffer to root for your team. They don ’ t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon
I want to be a dad. That ’ south floating to the exceed of my list. I think it ’ s such an crucial thing. I ’ molarity at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘ Is it like a puppy ? ’ And they go, ‘ It ’ randomness 10 times a puppy. ’ Jimmy Fallon
I ’ molarity going to North Pole to help out Santa this class. Jimmy Fallon
I don ’ t even read the papers. I read ‘ USA Today ’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon
I wanted to be a Priest at one detail. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was dependable at it. then, I started meeting girls and I ’ m like ‘ You know, possibly I shouldn ’ t be a Priest. ’ Jimmy Fallon
honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one jest to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon
Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish plant nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon
Thank you, 2:30 in the dawn, for always being the first sign that tomorrow ’ sulfur gon na fellate. Jimmy Fallon Click to tweet
Kevin Hart
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I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart ( fearlessmotivation.com )
These glasses are means 2 boastful for my damn confront ! I look like I got on a damn tinted structure mask. Kevin Hart
I hate when raw parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart
marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you ’ re no longer an individual. You can ’ metric ton do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team feat. ‘ Us ’, ‘ we ’, ‘ lease ’ s ’, honey, come on collaborator. You can ’ triiodothyronine do nothing by yourself. Kevin : baby I ’ megabyte gon na be right back I ’ m going to the shop. wife : well, wait, let me get my coating. Kevin : Bit__, it ’ randomness right there on the corner. I just wan na get some chips. I ain ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate going to sleep with cipher. Kevin Hart ( YouTube television )
First off, my kids know I ’ m a boastful deal. Kevin Hart ( YouTube video )
If I hush can not hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart
Louis C.K.
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Your phone doesn ’ metric ton suck. Your animation sucks around the earphone. Louis C.K. ( thoughtcatalog.com )
Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.K .
There are two types of people in the populace : People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fuck liars. Louis C.K .
“ Fuck it. ” That ’ s very the attitude that ’ second keeps a class in concert. It ’ s not “ We love each other ! ” It ’ second “ Fuck it. ” Louis C.K .
Don ’ t text or chitter during the express. Just live your life. Don ’ t keep telling people what you ’ re doing. besides it lights up your big speechless font. Louis C.K .
I decidedly look at my torso and I go ‘ yuck ’. Louis C.K .
Of course, if you are fighting for your area and get stroke or hurt, it is a awful tragedy. But possibly, if you get shot by the dandy you were shooting at, it ’ s a bantam snatch your defect. Louis C.K .
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K .
It ’ s a positive thing to talk about atrocious things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.K .
here ’ s how my brain works : it ’ south stupidity, followed by self-disgust, and then far analysis. Louis C.K. Click to tweet
Ricky Gervais
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just because you ’ re offended, doesn ’ deoxythymidine monophosphate mean you ’ re right. Ricky Gervais ( bbcamerica.com )
You won ’ thymine burn in hell. But be dainty anyhow. Ricky Gervais
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each early again, over who doesn ’ thyroxine believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais
The best advice I ’ ve ever received is, ‘ No one else knows what they ’ re doing either ’. Ricky Gervais
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn ’ thymine reoffended. I think he ’ mho going straight, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are all in. It is only atrocious for others. The lapp applies when you are dazed. Ricky Gervais
Mondays are fine. It ’ s your animation that sucks. Ricky Gervais
Being on the edge international relations and security network ’ metric ton as condom, but the view is better. Ricky Gervais Click to tweet
Robin Williams
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I ’ megabyte good-for-nothing, if you were right, I ’ d agree with you. Robin Williams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves ? Robin Williams
See, the trouble is that God gives men a mind and a penis, and only enough rake to run one at a meter. Robin Williams
never pick a crusade with an surly person, they ’ ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams
If women ran the populace we wouldn ’ t have wars, merely intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams
Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word mean to rip out a serviceman ’ south genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
Ryan Reynolds
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What would you say to your barber ? I ’ m very protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone ? Ryan Reynolds ( twitter.com )
Anyone know the count to 911 ? Ryan Reynolds
Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn ’ thymine until I got bet on to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds
go to Disneyland because my daughter ’ sulfur obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was indeed excite when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds
Bob Ross is very steady. 5 min into this show, it feels like you ’ ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds
People in LA are deathlike afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor shop in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds
If you find me, please let me know where the hell I ’ ve been. Ryan Reynolds
We ’ ra not kissing. We ’ rhenium feed each early like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds Click to tweet
Tina Fey
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nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tina Fey ( buzzfeed.com )
I say if you ’ re indeed delirious you could merely cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey
assurance is 10 % function and 90 % delusion. Tina Fey Click to tweet
If you want to make an consultation joke, you dress a man up like an old dame and push her down the step. If you want to make drollery writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey
A Harvard Medical School survey has determined that rectal thermometers are even the best way to tell a baby ’ randomness temperature. Plus, it truly teaches the child who ’ second emboss. Tina Fey
What turning forty means to me ? I need to take my pants off a soon as I get base. I didn ’ thyroxine used to have to do that, but now I do. Tina Fey
Say yes. You ’ ll human body it out subsequently. Tina Fey
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live television. Tina Fey
Zach Galifianakis
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The bible abbreviation certain is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis ( jokes4us.com )
I think those region signs that say ‘ slow children playing ’ are then very mean. Zach Galifianakis
I failed kindergarten because I couldn ’ triiodothyronine while my last name. Zach Galifianakis
When I was in high educate I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was curious to talk to people that weren ’ metric ton there. Zach Galifianakis
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis
I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like barely to murmur out to myself, ‘ Oh bullshit ’. Zach Galifianakis
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘ Dude, Where ’ s My Spaceship. ’ Zach Galifianakis
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis Click to tweet
Zach, To Brad Pitt : Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan ? Brad : Why ? Zack : Because you live in your wife ’ sulfur shadow ( Angelina Jolie in 2014 ). Zach Galifianakis
I have a fortune of growing up to do. I realized that the early day inside my fortify. Zach Galifianakis
Part 4. Conclusion
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin Click to tweet
call to action : read 7 Reasons Why Laughter Makes You More productive ( lifehack.org ) Hope you enjoyed these fishy quotes and that you laugh ( or at least smile ) a few times throughout the page. And please tell us what was your front-runner line or author in the gossip section below. If you did like the quotes, please contribution them with a friend nowadays !
